A few weeks ago, as I sat in my dentist’s waiting room, I put away the magazine I had been flipping through to take a closer look at the Dracaena fragrans 'Massangeana' that sits against the wall right between two doors. Those two doors are opened and closed all day long, so the plant literally sits in the direct path of a draft, which can prove pretty cold during the fall and winter months. How is this important? Well, Dracaenas in general don’t handle exposure to cold very well, but this one in particular is very sensitive to it. And although my dentist’s plant looks like it’s seen better days, it’s still reasonably attractive and in pretty darn good shape despite the amount of abuse it endures - chilly encounters, watering blunders and poor soil. Many other plants would have succumbed quickly to the big greenhouse in the sky under similar conditions, but not this tough cookie; it keeps on going...and growing. So yay for this survivor!

Survivor? Hmmm… Survivor...

Now there’s an idea. Imagine a reality show that revolves around indoor plants; a survivor type show. And why not? With so many of these types of programs these days that cover just about any topic imaginable, why not introduce one that will involve houseplants? But not just any plants, mind you; the candidates chosen would have to be some of the most resilient ones on the market, the type that are capable of surviving many forms of neglect and slapdash care in different locations. And each show would up the ante, forcing a candidate or two to quit or commit suicide. Or to murder a fellow candidate so the remaining contestants can move to the next level, until only one remained – the ‘survivor’.

So let’s say there were ten candidates, which include robust tried and true favourites such as: 1) Aglaonema ‘Silver Queen’, 2) Dracaena marginata - (Dragon Tree) 3) Sansevieria trifasciata - (Snake Plant) 4) Dracaena deremensis ‘Janet Craig’ 5) Aspidistra elatior - (Cast-Iron Plant) 6) Chlorophytum comosum - (Spider Plant) 7) Philodendron scandens - (Heart-Leaf Philodrendron) 8) Ficus elastica - (Rubber Plant) 9) Pothos 10) Dracaena fragrans ‘Massangeana’

I considered nominating Zamioculcas zamiifolia (ZZ Plant) and Aloe barbadensis (Aloe Vera), both of which are quite tough, but one session of very serious over-watering and it might all be over for these babies. So their applications were rejected. In addition, there were honourable mentions for a few Anthuriums and the popular Syngonium podophyllum (Arrowhead Vine), but although they have potential and would put up a good fight, I don’t think they can go the extra mile, or even just an entire mile. So they were out.

And what would the show expect the potential ‘survivors’ to endure? Well, below is a list of 15 detrimental situations that would have to be endured.


Plants Have To Survive The Following:

1) Under-Watering
Episode Name: All Dried Out

2) Over-Watering
Episode Name: You’re soaking in it

3) Cold Temperatures And Drafts
Episode Name: The Big Chill

4) Hot Weather And Heat From Radiators
Episode Name: Feeling hot hot hot!

5) Over-Feeding (with full strength fertilizer, even during the winter months)
Episode Name: Botanical Gluttony

6) Dry Air (below 30 percent)
Episode Name: Surviving The Desert

7) Not Enough Light
Episode Name: The Dim Watted

8) Too Much Light
Episode Name: The Light Plight

9) Dense Soil In A Pot Without Drainage
Episode Name: Dense Dirt Dilemma

10) Infestations (this episode would be broken down into three parts)
Episode Name (part 1): Aphid Attack
Episode Name (part 2): Spider Mite Invasion
Episode Name (part 3): Mealybug Madness

11) Children (and their markers, finger paints, apple juice, grilled cheese sandwiches, fruit loops and sour chews)
Episode Name: Tiny Tots and Leaf Filled Pots

12) Pets (fully-clawed cats and big dogs with sharp teeth)
Episode Name: Jaws, Claws & Furry Paws

13) Newbies (beginners with lots of love to give; always equipped with a watering can)
Episode Name: Smothering Greenhorns

14) Self Appointed Expert (one staff member in a dental, medical, corporate office or some such place assumes she/he is an expert and takes over the responsibility of plant care. Truth is, he/she has no idea what she/he is doing, so the plant is tortured)
Episode Name: Plant Expert Wannabes

15) Substance Abuse (the plant has unfinished coffee, tea, soft drinks and other liquids poured into it from office workers/clients/patients/passersby)
Episode Name: Lethal Liquids

Now, if I had to take a guess on which plant might get through all of the above, I’d probably choose the Aspidistra. Or an artificial one. I would be tempted to vote for the Sansevieria, which I sometimes suspect is immortal, but I’m not sure it would survive the over-watering episode – immortal or not. It’s possible, though.

Which plant would you vote for?



If the show is successful, the next season’s candidates could be a collection of more sensitive types like Gardenia and a few members of the Maranta group, particularly some Calatheas and the Stromanthe sanguinea ‘Tricolor’, which would never get past the low humidity episode. Some Crotons and Alocasias could be thrown into the mix to see how they fare on the ‘spider mite infestation’ episode. It could turn out to be quite entertaining. Or frightening.

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